It.Gets.Better – National Coming Out Day October 11

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Billy Lucas, Indiana, committed suicide at 15

 

A couple of days ago, in honour of Coming Out Day I did a post with pictures of gay celebrities that was inspired by TJ, one of the reviewers on the site, and everyone who dropped by had a great time reminiscing about their favourite singers, professional athletes, movie stars etc.

Several months ago I wrote a different type of  post, one that I consider my best to date. This was also about coming out but was much more serious in tone, and it included the stories of a few gay men telling what it was like to be out, or not. In case you have never seen this post and the poignant stories, here’s a link.

However, there’s another, darker side to coming out or being outed and it involves teens being bullied. This year many young men and women will come out on October 11, National Coming Out Day in the US and Canada. In Britain the day is celebrated on October 12. This is a good thing – right? But many teenagers won’t be here to come out or anything else because they are no longer with us – sadly they will have ended their own lives. The majority of these deaths were avoidable and preventable. These teens took their lives because they were bullied or outed by another person who got their kicks harassing someone who may already be struggling with coming to terms with their being gay, and these kids were either too devastated or they didn’t know where to go for help.

Unfortunately we live in a society where we only recognize how much pressure, teenagers especially, are under –  from their peers, churches, parents, friends and others who are supposed to be supportive and love them –  when an item makes the news like Rutgers College student  Tyler Clementi’s suicide. We pay attention, momentarily, but then the news becomes old, we forget, and it fades away for tomorrow’s headlines, until someone else (usually another teenager) commits suicide because life has become unbearable. There are many teens whose deaths by their own hands do not merit even a paragraph in their local newspaper because they don’t consider it newsworthy, so this vicious cycle of bullying in schools, cyber bullying and every other kind, goes around and around like a hamster’s wheel. Another gay teenager in Indiana—Billy Lucas— killed himself after being taunted by his classmates. Now his Facebook memorial page is being defaced by people posting homophobic comments. Billy Lucas was just 15 when he hanged himself in a barn on his grandmother’s property. He reportedly endured intense bullying at the hands of his classmates—classmates who called him a fag and told him to kill himself. His mother found his body.

Nine out of 10 gay teenagers experience bullying and harassment at school, and gay teens are four times more likely to attempt suicide than their straight peers. Many of them live outside the large cities, in rural areas or other places with no gay support groups or services. Is there anything that can be done to stop or at least reduce the awful numbers of teen suicides? Yes!

First, I would ask that you be accepting and supportive of all of the young people in your lives. Often the signs are there when someone is having trouble, but they are easy to overlook; withdrawing from family and friends (sometimes to the point of not wanting to leave the house), grades that start slipping for a normally good student, cutting classes, faking sickness, mysterious bruises that they won’t explain, or sometimes even more serious issues. Granted these could be indicators of many problems or may just be teenage angst, but having a support network, people who they can count on, tell anything to, without judgment could make all the difference. Certainly don’t ask them if they are gay, but try to convey to them that you accept them no matter what and will always be there.

Projects like It.Gets.Better, was started by Dan Savage, a gay advocate and author. Dan recorded a PSA with his husband Terry on the channel he launched on Youtube for gay kids on bullying —www ­.youtube.com/itgetsbetterproject—to host these videos in order to talk directly to kids, and he invited everyone to make a video. In case you have been living under a rock and don’t know who Dan is, he writes a syndicated sex advice column Savage Love in newspapers across the US and Canada and more recently in Europe and Asia. He is making a difference and has been since his column started in The Onion almost 20 years ago, but it’s an uphill battle. Here’s the PSA:

Rick Reed’s post last week about It Gets Better was very moving and gave us all a glimpse of what he suffered by being bullied as a teenager. Rick’s heartfelt post was my inspiration for writing  this essay.

I asked Buda, a reviewer on the site, a gay man who has way more experience than I ever will in this area, to write his own thoughts and hopefully give some inspiration and help to a teen who may be contemplating suicide. Buda was a moderator on an adult site that created a site called emptyclosets.com which is a safe space for teens.

*********************

Buda

I often say, only half-jokingly, that my childhood was not Disney-approved. I grew up in a very small town in the wide open spaces of Western Kansas. (To give you an idea of just how small and isolated the town was, there were 39 people in my graduating class. As a teenager, if my friends and I wanted to go to the nearest McDonald’s for fries and a shake, we would drive an hour each direction.)

I remember being called names and being branded a “fag” long before I even knew what the words meant, as I’m sure my tormentors didn’t really know either. My 7th through 10th grade years were sheer hell. Not because I was being stuffed into lockers or beaten after school (I was much too big for that, though there were threats and the occasional shove into the wall), but mostly because, no matter what the children’s rhyme says, words do hurt. It wasn’t only my schoolmates; it was the tenor of the times. It was the mid-to-late 1980s, a time long before the internet. I remember that the only gay men and women I saw on television then were ACT-UP activists, fighting Ronald Reagan’s government for more money for AIDS research. Those people petrified me even more than the rednecks I had grown up around!

Eventually, I moved four hours away, to a town 25 times larger. It got better. I met other gay people, came out first to those new gay friends, then to my family. And I started making a new family out of the gay men and lesbians I met. I fell in love and flat on my face in heartbreak. And even through all that, it got better. I started to like me more, to believe less of the venom that had been spewed at me in high school, by classmates and an extremely homophobic and AIDS-panic-stricken media.

Cody J. Barker, 17, Wisconsin

 

Many years later, I became involved with the adult site Wave mentioned, moderating the forums there. Because it was an adult site, no one under 18 was allowed membership. We actively searched through new members and turned them away in droves out of self-preservation. One of my proudest moments was when the owners of the site launched a safe website for teens called emptyclosets.com. It was slow going at first and sometimes very difficult to read the pain-filled posts these teens left. But much sooner than later, it became apparent that Empty Closets was making a difference to those kids. They were talking to each other about their fears, hopes, dreams, in a safe place where no one would judge them or hurt them. That site now has over 8000 members and the topics are mind-blowingly diverse for a site called what it is. But it fills a needed place for these people. Many of the original members are now well over 18, but they still come to hang out and lend a virtual helping hand.

I wish Eric Mohat, Seth Walsh, Asher Brown, Cody Barker, Justin Aaberg, Billy Lucas, Raymond Chase and Tyler Clementi had found reassurance,

Raymond Chase 19, a university student from Rhode Island

 

help and belonging at Empty Closets–or anywhere. They might still be with us. As would Zach Harrington, a 19-year-old Oklahoman who, we learned Sunday, despite all the attention to the bullying problem and the promises that it gets better, committed suicide October 5. How many others are we not hearing about? Our teens (and I’m not just talking to my fellow LGBTers here because your son/daughter/niece/nephew/dog Spot might be struggling with his/her sexuality right this very minute) are killing themselves at a rate four times higher than heterosexual teens. And I swear that every time this happens, not only does an angel lose his wings and a remarkable human lose his or her precious life, but a self-loathing, gay-hating bigot stands a little prouder, thinking he’s winning something.

So listen to me now: It. Gets. Better. Not all at once, not even necessarily when you desperately need it to. But this is just as important to know: You are not alone. Someone truly does care, even if you think it’s impossible or you’re not worth it. Trust and believe in me: you are worth it! So please, before you do anything permanent that lets the bigots who are only in your life temporarily win, log on to emptyclosets.com or call the Trevor Project. It will get enough better right then to see you through another day, to help you win a little bit more each time.

*************
The Trevor Project is a help line for teens who are suicidal. According to the website, suicide is the third leading cause of death for 15 – 24 year olds. Here is the information to contact the Trevor Project:
The Trevor Project website: Toll free: 1-866-488 7386
 
Suicide/Kids Helpline: 1-800-668-6868
Every large city in North America has a Kids Helpline

Raymond Chase and Cody Barker were two of 6 teens who were known to have committed suicide in September.

If this post saves just one teen’s life by directing him or her to a help line, or a sympathetic and non judgmental adult who can provide support, that’s all I can ask.

 

Thanks to TJ for editing my post and adding an important paragraph. Also, a huge “thank you” to Buda for letting us into his life. :)

35 thoughts on “It.Gets.Better – National Coming Out Day October 11

  1. Tish

    Thank you to all who have made PSA’s. I want to say it does get better. I am living proof. I was never bullied but I did fall in love with my best friend and she with me when we were teens. After my parents found out I was sent to all sorts of doctors and was filled full of drugs to the point I don’t remember much after I turned 18. I still had ‘one night stands’ and the self loathing I felt afterwards would make me take another pill. I tried to kill myself at least 3 times but I am so glad I didn’t succeed. I am now in my 40′s (yeah I’m bloody old) and married. My husband and I have 3 beautiful girls and have travelled extensively as well as lived in different countries…. All these things that I would have missed out on if my attempts were successful.
    My life is not perfect but it’s bloody close. All I did was find someone to talk to. In my case it was an author by the name of Patricia.
    If you have any doubts just talk…. Someone will listen and it will get better.
    I tell anyone who listens that lifes a bitch but you can bite back LOL!
    My girls know that their dad and I love them no matter what and we will always love them.
    As a mum I find it heartbreaking that kids are so depressed that they can’t find a way to go forward but I know how lost you can feel… How alone. I wish the world was a better place because our children are our greatest asset and they deserve
    only the best.

    Thanks Wave for highlighting a never ending problem. Maybe now more people will realize and do something about it.
    May those who are coming out this week find the love and respect they deserve. You have mine.

    Tish

    1. Wave Post author

      Tish
      Thank you for sharing your story.

      Part of my reason for this post is the hope that people like yourself who experienced something similar would come forward and share your story. If a teen were to access the site and see stories like yours he or she would know that it really does get better.

      You were and are very lucky. Many others were not. If this post can save just one teen’s life by having them call a help line then my job is done.

      Thank you again Tish.

  2. suzi

    This makes me so angry and scares me too, as a parent of a teenager. On the other hand it was a reminder to have a talk about bullying and to stand up for kids who are being bullied or just different in school.
    When leaders and politicians, churces and parents are vocally homophobic, kids listen and bullying is the result.
    Sad.

    1. Wave Post author

      Hi Suzi
      Isn’t it amazing how adults can be so cruel by passing on their own homophobia to their kids, who then become bullies?

      Let’s hope that organizations like The Trevor Project and the various Help lines will be able to counteract their hate.

  3. Tam

    Gee, thanks for making me tear up in the morning. :-) Thanks so much for sharing and it does break your heart. I have a teenager, I watch, I listen, I worry. I wish I could do something more concrete, I’m just not sure how.

    Thanks Tish for sharing your story too. Hugs to everyone who needs that little extra bit of support who wants to take that big step today. It’s not easy but there are people who love you no matter what.

    1. Wave Post author

      Tam
      I’m sorry I didn’t mean to make you cry, but sometimes I have to write the tough posts that are not fun. This one broke my heart to write. I cried as I was doing so because of all the lives lost already and this will continue.

      We all have to do our what we can, and all I can do is use the site as a way to show any teens who log on that there is a better way. Each life is so precious and we have to try, each in our own way, to save a life.

  4. L.C. Chase

    I really can’t put into words what I’m feeling right now – it saddens and angers me that so many beautiful people have been lost. I don’t have my own kids, but I do have two wonderful nephews and hope they will grow up strong and confident and know they are loved, no matter what. I’m just glad there are people and groups out there reaching out and trying to make things better.

    1. Wave Post author

      L.C.
      Reading the stories of the teens who took their own lives moved me incredibly that someone so young could come to a fork in the road and the only one that seemed tolerable was the one they took.

      All of those bleeping bastards that drove them to take their lives should be punished but unfortunately they all got off scot free.

  5. Larissa

    Holey moley this is some post. *hugs* Budajsguy. Thank you for telling us your story and I think it is very brave what you did and what you do.

    I won’t say that I’ve been through the same or even came close to even contemplating suicide. It’s not at all the same, but it is true that it does get better. I like who I am now, but 10 years ago I never would have thought that.

    This makes me wonder if we have something like The Trevor Project in Holland.

    1. Wave Post author

      Larissa
      Sometimes I have to be serious and this problem of teen suicides is escalating at an incredible pace.

      Yes, Buda was happy to help out when I called on him and he wrote this piece after almost a 12 hour shift. Obviously he feels very strongly about trying to help.

      I think there are Kids Helplines all around the world so I would be surprised if there wasn’t one in Holland.

      1. Larissa

        Oh I know and this definitely a good topic to get serious about. I meant “some post” as in “good, deep, interesting post” not something unexpected ;-)

  6. Rick R. Reed

    Thanks so much for this blog, Wave. It says something that can never be said too much–how we are all human beings and should be accorded respect, regardless of our sexual orientation. As someone who knows first-hand how painful bullying and teasing can be (especially over something as intrinsic as our sexual orientation), I applaud you for calling your readership’s attention to the problem and helping raise awareness about it.

    1. Wave Post author

      Rick
      I should be the one thanking you for giving me the inspiration for this post.

      Kids are dying at an alarming rate and if I hadn’t taken the time to write this post and ask for Buda’s help I wouldn’t have been able to look myself in the eye. If this post saves just one teen or young adult from taking that horrible step, then I would feel I have done something meaningful today.

  7. Lilli

    Wave and Buda, thank you for this post. Thanks Buda for sharing your story.

    These sad events have been all over the internet these last weeks, they also made it into the German media. It’s so terribly sad and horrible. :( I’m close to tears every time I read another post or story about it and it leaves me angry and speechless.

    In Germany, too, gay teens are 4 to 7 times more likely to commit suicide and the climate in lots of schools seems to be very homophobic. Which is very unsettling.

    These projects and posts are a wonderful thing and I hope they can make a difference.

    1. Wave Post author

      Thank you Lilli for stopping by and commenting. It’s nice to know that others care about these kids who must have been truly devastated and felt they had nowhere to run and no one to turn to. I don’t know what this says about life today.

      My hope is that these bullies and churches and homophobic parents will be shamed into changing their attitudes and leaving these kids alone. Imagine if this continues for the next several years? What an ugly world we will be living in then.

  8. Ally Blue

    Wave, thank you for posting this today. And special thanks to Budajsguy and Tish for sharing their own stories, and to Rick for his post last week sharing his story. It takes so much courage to share that much of yourself, but it makes such a huge difference to people who need to see first-hand that it really can get better.

    All these deaths are especially tragic because they could’ve been prevented. As a mom, I could only imagine how devastated all these families must have felt. Can you imagine being Billy Lucas’s mother and finding his body? I had nightmares about finding my son’s dead body after reading that story. I don’t ever want another child to die because he or she thought their life wasn’t worth living, and I don’t want any other parent to ever lose their child in this particularly heartbreaking way. Any little thing I can do to help prevent that, I’m going to do it.

    1. Wave Post author

      Ally
      Thank you for stopping by. As I said in the post, Rick’s poignant story was the inspiration for this essay. After reading his story I started to do more research into the numbers of kids committing suicide, and they’re staggering. I was crying as I was writing this piece, I was so upset at the utter waste of a life.

      I only reported the US numbers, but in Canada they are just as staggering. Statistics Canada reported that suicide has accounted for about 2% of annual deaths in Canada since the late 1970s. Eighty percent of all suicides reported in 1991 involved men and the greatest increase between 1960 and 1991 occurred in the 15-to-19-year age group, with a four-and-a-half-fold increase. Of course figures for later years are horrific.

      It’s an epidemic, but if we each do our part hopefully we can stem the tide.

      I’m hoping that I can use this site to reach just one kid and maybe make him or her do a 180.

      When I asked Buda to contribute to the post he didn’t hesitate even though he worked almost 12 hours straight yesterday – he finished his story at 3.00 A.M. today. This shows how strongly he feels about teen suicides.

  9. Tj

    Very moving post Wave and thank you Buda for sharing your experiences. As someone who also was harassed throughout elementary and high school for being gay, I know full well how devastating it can be. And I agree that words can and do hurt, especially hateful words to a person who is not yet fully realized, and perhaps still trying to figure out just who they are.

    There were many times that I didn’t know how I would get through another day of taunts and name calling and being spit on and shoved, and the appeal of ending it all hung large before my eyes. But somehow I dug down deep and tapped into something that kept me going. I think partly it was determination that I refused to let these bullies win. I found whatever I could to grasp onto each day – for me it was usually going to my art classes where I felt truly alive, and just hoped that it all would get better. And in time, amazingly, it did.

    And now when I realize how much I would have missed out on – the wonderful experiences I’ve had and how many people I would have never met if I’d given up, and I am very thankful for having held on.

    1. Wave Post author

      TJ
      Thank you for your help on this post — editing it and contributing a paragraph which reflected your thoughts on what needed to be done to support these kids. You know how much I value you and your input.

      I knew a bit about your background but it’s still horrific to read it here. I really don’t know how gay kids managed to carry on their daily lives without either going mad because of the pressure, or what we’re seeing today, committing suicide in numbers that are of epidemic proportions.

      But if we all do something to save a life maybe we can turn the tide. I can only hope so.

    2. budajsguy

      TJ – For me, it was my English and History classes. I had an amazing English Lit teacher who encouraged me constantly, even through all the BS. I wasn’t as strong as you were, however. I tried to let the bullies win; between their taunts and my own self-hatred, we convinced me that life would be better without me in it. Imagine how horrific it felt to wake up and realize I couldn’t even kill myself correctly.

      Luckily, my parents got me a terrific therapist who helped me see how wrong my tormentors and I were. I still wasn’t strong enough to tell anyone–even him–that I was gay, but having those weekly sessions kept me alive and helped me grow stronger.

      Every time I let myself think about that time in my life, I am grateful that I wasn’t successful. While my life may not have become everything I ever dreamed it could be, I have met the most wonderful people and have had experiences I wouldn’t trade for the world.

      I’m sad that we have the bullying thing in common, TJ, but I’m glad we were both able to pull ourselves through those tough times and come out alive and well–and better–in the end.

      1. Wave Post author

        Thanks again Buda for sharing your experience. I know I emailed you earlier to thank you for staying up until the early hours of the morning to write your post and I hope you know how much I appreciate it, especially after an almost 12 hour shift at work.

        You own experience while horrible at least was not final.

        >>While my life may not have become everything I ever dreamed it could be, I have met the most wonderful people and have had experiences I wouldn’t trade for the world. <<

        Let’s hope that your contribution will help save someone who didn’t have any options before and now knows that they CAN get over this and be strong. Look at where you are today – you have us, you lucky devil (I mean that most sincerely).

        The bonus is in the mail. :) Don’t spend it all in one place.

  10. Sherry F (from the Midwest)

    The loss of life is incredibly sad and the lack of remorse from some of the bullies frightening.

    While technology today is a wonderful and amazing thing, it certainly has its dark side. Kids (and adults) can torment other people 24/7; it’s vicious, relentless, and neverending. Those who are bullied don’t have a chance to escape.

    I came from a small town in SW Iowa (graduated w/ 78 other kids!) and saw some of the things Buda experienced. Kids can be incredibly mean.

    Thanks for the heartwrenching and wonderful post today!

    1. Wave Post author

      Hi Sherry

      Thanks for the heartwrenching and wonderful post today!

      There are times when having fun is way down my list and this is one of them. The stories of these kids IS heartwrenching and I wanted to do something to help those who are still with us. If this post saves one life by pointing a kid to a help line that’s all I can ask for.

      As for Buda and TJ, they could have become statistics like many others, but lucky for us they lived to fight another day.

  11. Eden

    What a poignant post that I’ll not soon forget. Every time I see the images of these young men it breaks my heart that their lives were cut short because they felt they had no other choice. Thank you all for sharing your personal stories. They are a reminder of how much love and understanding are needed in this world. We should all have a zero tolerance policy toward bullying, be it a direct physical threat to another, or the coworker who tells offensive jokes and makes slurring comments. Sometimes it takes your pointing it out for others to realize how hurtful their words are. We need to let it be known that it’s wrong and we will not stand for it. Teach kindness.

    1. Wave Post author

      Thank you Eden.
      As I said earlier in the comments Buda and I wrote this post in hopes that some teen or young man or woman would see it and call their help line, see a counsellor, talk to a sympathetic adult or anyone before it’s too late.

      In addition to fun posts and reviews I hope to use this site for important issues like this one. I know that teens under 17 are not supposed to be visiting this site but the hell with it. If we can save a life that’s what’s important.

      Many of us unintentionally encourage bullying in churches (bully pulpit hate filled sermons) and are enablers when our friends and co-workers make hate filled remarks, by being silent. That makes us enablers and we have to stop being afraid to speak up. People don’t make racist jokes in front of me because they can see I’m black. However when they try to make “faggot” jokes I very quickly set them straight.

      If we all do something, anything, to raise awareness and try and stop bullying maybe we can save a life, or two.

  12. ElaineG

    Hi Wave and Buda…..I am a bit late, but wanted to chime in and tell you what a wonderful article….it gives me hope that publicity will continue, not fade away and all the boys who thought there was no help will not have died for no reason. I continue to mourn the loss of Eric, Seth, Asher, Cody, Justin, Billy, Raymond, Tyler and the (unfortunately) countless other young people that have taken their own lives because someone (or many someones) decided it was ok to bully. In the last week, I have watched many of the videos on It. Gets. Better. and my 7-yr old son has seen a few, and asked me why anyone would be so mean to someone else simply because they were different. He does not understand, and I don’t either. It saddens and frightens me that we live in a world where this happens to children so often…bullying of any kind is intolerable to me, and it looks as if it is finally becoming intolerable to society in general. Thank you for this wonderful post.

    1. Wave Post author

      Thank you Elaine. The more people write about bullying and teen suicides, many of which result from bullying, that will keep it in the public eye. Hopefully that will shame newspapers into publishing stories of teens who unfortunately commit suicide, and inform the public about how terrible this problem is.

      Maybe spreading the word will motivate and galvanize those who are on the fence sitting on their hands, into helping a kid in their neighbourhood or their church or wherever.

      I applaud both Buda and TJ for talking about their experiences. I was never bullied but just because I never experienced it doesn’t mean I can’t empathize. I think it’s frightening that kids feel they can bully other kids because they know that the schools don’t care and won’t take action against them.

  13. AJ Llewellyn

    Great post, Wave. This problem has gone on for so long I am glad it’s finally getting some attention. Dan Savage did a wonderful thing creating the Trevor Project. My family being Greek Orthodox thought being gay was a terrible thing but I had one gay friend who was going through the same thing. it helped although his struggle with his parents was unbelievable. All the PSA’s taped the last couple of weeks brought back memories both good and bad. Tim Gunn’s admission of a suicide attempt made me cry.

    1. Wave Post author

      Thanks for commenting AJ. As I said in the post, Rick Reed first inspired me to write this essay, and two of the male reviewers on the site with whom I discussed it were really positive about doing it, and both of them helped.

      Dan is doing an incredible job and I hope that the Trevor Project and It.Gets.Better helps to reduce the numbers of teen suicides.

      I don’t know Tim Gunn very well, all I know about him is what I see on television, but the guys here, as well as Rick, who talked about their own experiences, gave me a real gut check.

  14. Kim W.

    It’s sad to see so many kids pushed to such drastic measures. I believe there is a movement on October 20 for people to wear purple for gay abuse awareness. Will anyone else participate?

    1. Wave Post author

      Hi Kim
      Thank you for commenting. I intend to do a post about the movement to wear purple on October 20 to to raise awarement about this accelerating problem of suicides of gay kids due to bullying.

  15. Kendall

    Thanks you writing this post, Wave & Budajsguy! :-) Fantastic what y’all do. It’s sad that we need things like this, It Gets Better, Empty Closets, the Trevor Project, etc.–but it’s awesome that they do exist, since they are needed.

    Small correction: The Stranger is a Seattle newspaper, not Dan’s web site (though it is home to his syndicated Savage Love column, his Savage Lovecast podcast, and his blogging [part of Slog, the paper's group blog]).

    1. Wave Post author

      Kendall
      Thank you for commenting and for correcting my post. I will change the information on The Stranger immediately.

      As you said, it’s sad that we need The Trevor Project, emptyclosets.com, It.Gets.Better etc but think what it would be like for kids if they weren’t available.

  16. Rolly

    A gay teen commited suicide last fall in Ottawa Canada. His name was Jamie, a beautiful person, with many friends, and probably just as many homofobic enemies. I think what angered me the most is that NO mention is ever made about who the tormentors are in these cases. So the bullying goes on, because those that get off on picking on others just keep on with their lives :sad:

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